WOWS Presents: The Tree Lighting Must Go On! with Werner and Markovich

by Tony Werner and Katie Markovich

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Transcript

[SFX: INTRO MUSIC]

Markovich: Welcome back to an 18th season of merrymaking with Werner and Markovich in the Morning! 18 years on WOWS–where has the time gone? 

Werner: I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what: I still feel like that scrawny, broke DJ I was back in ‘04!

Markovich: Well you just had that windfall! 

Werner: That’s true! After a year of bureaucratic headaches and proving my identity, I finally received my stimulus check. 

Markovich: Oh, I heard about those. Cute! 

[SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET]

Markovich: What was that? 

Werner: Sorry, must’ve leaned on a button. I’m down here at the station and I’m running production myself.

Markovich: You?!? You’re running production?

Werner: Oh yeah, along with mixing, call-screening, and equipment check-out. I even let people into the building. You know production stuff. We’re a little short-handed down here.

Markovich: Wow, I haven’t been to the station in months. Now, before the break, we were talking supply chain issues. Now, Tone, what exactly, is a supply chain? 

Werner: No idea. All I know is, I can’t find a decent cream soda at the grocery store anymore.

Markovich: Huh! Well, either way, things have slowed down lately. 

Werner: That’s right, things are tough.

Markovich: You’ve got staffing problems.

Werner: Ooh.

Markovich: Inflation.

Werner: Ouch.

Markovich: And let’s not forget those supply chain issues.

Werner: Ooh. Here wait. I’ve got an effect for that.

[SFX: BOI-OI-OING]

Markovich: In fact, some might even say that the 2022 Oak Hills Mall Tree Lighting shouldn’t even happen this year. But you know what? We’re excited to tell you that Oak Hills Mall Leadership and Norquist Health Systems have decided: the show must go on!

Werner: That’s right! In spite of a hard, hard year for our friends at the mall, they are still graciously hosting the jolliest event of the season. With just a few changes. 

Markovich: Typically, patrons of the Oak Hills Mall are treated to a balsam fir strung up in twinkle lights. 

Werner: But this year, all the good trees were already spoken for. So we will be graced with a new Christmas tenenbaum tradition: an American Banyan tree, shipped all the way from Florida!

Markovich: And we’re not going to have the bell choir or carolers, but we’ll have the next best thing: karaoke!

Werner: That’s right, a karaoke machine will be set up with all your Christmas favorites!

Markovich: And if you’re jonesing for crisp cider, hot gingerbread, or gooey cinnamon rolls, then… we’re sorry! 

Werner: They’re all stuck on a barge somewhere. But that’s okay, we are firing up our very own popcorn machine from the WOWS station. Regular bags of popcorn are only 10 dollars! 

Markovich: Now that’s a bargain! What about hot cocoa?

Werner: Don’t have it. But we have the next best thing: boiling water. So bring your own cocoa packets from home. 

Markovich: I don’t mean to get nasty so close to the holidays but…what’s the deal with finding people to work the concession stand? You can’t find good help these days.

Werner: Yeah, those high-schoolers wanted more money. And I said, you know what? When I was your age, I was happy to make $3 an hour! Go pound sand! 

Markovich: And then what happened?  

Werner: They walked right out. Now a few more notes on mall logistics: custodial services are stretched thin, so there will be only one set of functioning bathrooms at the event.

Markovich: Which bathrooms?

Werner: Doesn’t say!

[SFX: BOI-OI-OING]

Markovich: Tone! I thought you didn’t know how to use the sound effects!

Werner: I know that one!

Markovich: Okay, okay, wise guy! Now I’m seeing that there will be some reduced hours at a few of the shops. Looks like the team at Banana Republic will be closing at 1 o’clock, then they’ll run over to the Buckle for a 1:30 opening. 

Werner: Don’t have a blue Christmas just because your favorite store isn’t open. There are plenty of new faces! Oak Hills Mall now boasts a knife sharpening kiosk, a vape shop, and a dialysis center.

Markovich: These can all be found next to the Norquist Health Systems muscular therapy and kinesiology clinic, formerly the Anthropologie. Be careful where you park, though. They will tow.

Werner: And definitely don’t park near that encampment by the Dillard’s. 

Markovich: Ooh! Those parking lot kids are mean. 

Werner: I went in to return a Perry Ellis shirt and they chased me into the Ruby Tuesday. Which is still open by the way. Serving loaded cheese fries. 2pm to 6pm every day.

Markovich: Now, what about the big man? 

Werner: Glad you asked. The holiday season is here and children everywhere are eagerly awaiting a visit from Santa, which is why we’re asking if any of you listeners know anybody who can play big man. 17 dollars an hour, costume not provided. We are having a tough time filling Santa’s shoes this year.

Markovich: It’s like I said to my dear friend, Dr. Tristan Van Der Hoof on our Disney cruise last month. People just don’t want to work anymore!

[SFX: SHEEP BLEATING]

Werner: Sorry. I’m trying to buzz in Jimmy John’s. 

Markovich: Before we go, as a reminder, I’ll be signing my new cookbook in front of the Visionworks, “Chips, Ships, and Sips,” which was inspired by my Disney cruise. Hope to see you there!

Werner: And we’ll see all of you at the 2022 Oak Hills Mall Tree Lighting. 

[SFX: OUTRO MUSIC]

Markovich: I can’t believe they’re doing it this year. Totally irresponsible. 

Werner: I know. Last Saturday when I was working Door Dash, I stopped by to use the bathroom. It’s a mess. I actually saw a possum in the food court.

Markovich: Door Dash seems fun though, are you putting a lot away?

Werner: No. I don’t even have health insurance. Remember when I broke my collar bone? 

Markovich: Oh, yeah. That was sad. 

Werner: That was all out of pocket. I won’t even look at a mountain bike again.

[SFX: MUSIC FLOURISH]

Tony Werner and Katie Markovich

Werner and Markovich have been delighting audiences (and cranky commuters ;) ) with their antics for years. They met when Werner was doing a freelance storm-chasing gig out of Wichita and Markovich was still on the pageant circuit in Ames (hosting… NOT competing). Together, they’ve hosted the Annual Easter Egg Hunt in the Gene Lahey Pavillion and a Telethon for Colorblind Dogs (raising over $1,500!), and have recently collaborated on an investigative podcast entitled, “SKELETONS IN THE SOUND BOOTH: TRUE QUIPS AND TIPS FROM WOWS.”